Here is what kids know that adults have forgotten
One afternoon, my son and I were in the backyard. I think he was around four years old. Our neighbor, who lives on the street before ours, has grandchildren. Their home sits at a 45 degree angle to our home, and to our backyard. One of the grandchildren was on the driveway playing basketball. I could hear this child but not see him, since a privacy fence is between us and them.
In any case, my son was at the back fence trying to get the attention of this kid. He was saying “Hey, kid. Hey, KID!” I could hear the pre-teen kid screaming, “Shut Up!” and I attempted to call my kid back to the house several times, but I eventually gave up. My son abandoned his post after a while and came to our back deck, where I was sitting.
I casually mentioned what I had considered to be “an incident” with the neighbor. I said, “I heard you trying to talk to that kid. What was he saying?”
My son answered, “Well, he told me to ‘shut up’ but I didn’t want to.” He was very matter-of-fact about this information, so I didn’t make a big deal about it.
“He told me to shut up but I didn’t want to.”
Inside, I was swelling with pride. Afterall, if my child could shrug off the people in life who didn’t care what he had to say, then I wanted a swig of whatever he was drinking. It was probably milk, or flavored water, but one of the more simple drinks of life, nonetheless.
We forget, as older children, and then adults, to discount or ignore what other people are saying we should do, or are thinking about us. If Tracy said that my yard was messy, then she must be right. Right? If Heather commented on how I was expressing too many opinions at work, then surely I need to consider her point. No?
I learned an old but real lesson from my son that day. How wonderful to be able to say that so-and-so told me what to do, but I didn’t want to. I wish that I actually cared less. I wonder if this is something that I can re-learn. I hope that it is.
The trick is saying No to parents.
A “good kid” is a kid who does what makes his parents happy. Bear in mind, this has nothing to do with what is best for the kid, what the kid wants, or even logic–just the parents’ current wants and needs. If he learns it well enough the kid will be praised, smiled at, bragged about, held up as a model kid-citizen, and trusted to take on adult responsibilities that really aren’t his business. Again, this has nothing to do with his dreams, what he actually wants out of life, or his instincts.
By the time he’s an adult, he’s a genius-level people pleaser with a below average sense of self. He’s a case study in approval seeking. He can satisfy a narcissistic’s boss’s demands, coddle a codependent girlfriend’s fears, and say just the right things around his mother to make her feel safe in every crisis but he still can’t quite figure out what who he is or what he wants to be.
This can all be prevented if the parents simply remember that he. Is. Not. Them. He’s gonna fill in his own blanks and even if they’re not their blanks, he’s gonna be just fine. Let him.
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Yes, I totally agree that the child’s best interests, psychologically, are often at odds with the parent’s. Parents and children have different needs. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s nice to have you visit.
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Appreciate you letting me rant. I’ve come to certain realizations lately that I need to vent. Your kid sounds snarky and awesome, can’t wait to see what he does for the next forty years.
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Thank you for saying so. You presented an angle that I had not really considered when writing the post. However, I can see your point, and this is something that I always try to consider in raising my son, that he won’t always agree with me, or even that he doesn’t have to do so. He is his own person. He is a smart kid (smarter than me, as my Mom pointed out), and I refuse to squash his strong personality and hot-headedness. You can vent here anytime, and I will always try to be understanding.
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Thank you. It’s refreshing and healing to meet people who react with opportunity rather than resistance. Much appreciation.
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Thanks Karen. It is true. I wish I “could care less” more often. It is a dilemma all,parents face. Some parents do this “mind bending” on their children for religious reasons, trying to make them appear “good” and subservient humans while others do it for ease, kind of like having trained monkeys instead of free thinking humans in the house. It is a very delicate balance to raise a child to be empathetic, intelligent and confident without simply cutting the reins and letting that child, and their emotions, run without guidance. I know a few of those as well. As always, it goes back to the truth that parenting is a “job”, one of the most difficult but most rewarding in the end. Yay for your son. As long as he understands that fence might have kept him from getting a basketball to the head. Lol or it may have kept him from making a new friend. I always try to talk about choices with my guys as opposed to telling them what to do or how to act. After all, what if I am wrong?
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Wise words from you, Cheryl. I worry about what I am doing to mess up my child’s mind! It’s because I let him think for himself, though. I gently challenge his notions without telling him outright what I think the correct answers are. Because I agree with you – what if I am wrong?! It is a delicate balancing act, and I am doing the best I can. He is passionate and stubborn, but also sweet and thoughtful. He was that way when he popped out, so who am I to change it.
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It seems like you are doing a wonderful job of helping him grow into himself.😊
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