I Can’t Take This Shit Anymore | Wash Your Mouth Out Wednesday

If you are offended by the word “shit,” or fecal euphemisms, take my advice and turn away now, because this post is literally full of shit. I have had a bit of a dry spell with my blogging pasttime, but as I rinsed dog poop off the deck yesterday, a new idea came to me. I want to tell you how to deal with shit. Shit is both the literal and figurative stuff of life in which we sometimes step. Sometimes the whole yellow brick road is caked in it.  It is difficult to stay on the path when it gets deep and smelly, but I am here today to offer you a few tips for dealing with all this shit. I may have to wash my mouth out after this post, but I will surely enjoy letting the shit fly.

The older of my two dogs is old. He is closing in on 15, and recently had an ear infection – his second in two years. Although we diligently gave him all of his prescribed medications, he is still wobbly, just without the lateral eye nystagmus and head tilt.  Dogs with this condition look like drunks; their eyes dart side to side, and they continually lean to one side, just like a drunk person.  Only he couldn’t sleep it off.  He is better, but still a little dizzy, judging by the way he stumbles and walks sideways, and the way his hindquarters begin to droop after he stands still for a few moments. Also, he seems to have lost control of his bowels. It’s like he realizes at the last moment that a massive shit is making its way out the door, and starts to let the shit fall wherever it may. Since the closest place off of our screened-in-porch is the deck, I have been hosing off the deck a good bit over the past couple of weeks.

Earlier this week, I was outside on the deck, in the dark, and my bare foot grazed what I automatically knew was a turd. It had just that consistency. As soon as I started grumbling curse words under my breath, about how the dog could at least try to get off the six-inch-high deck first, another thought crossed my mind. You wouldn’t have shit on your foot if you were wearing shoes, dummy.

Here begins my guide to dealing with the shit of life that seems too much.

1. Put on shoes.

Most of us know that shit happens in our lives. We probably also know approximately where it happens.  Our first defense against this shit is a simple pair of shoes.  We all need a barrier against this shit that we know is there, and why not go ahead and prepare for it? You can’t stop it, but you can avoid having to sanitize your feet by simply arming yourself with a thin layer of protection. If you step in the shit, then take your shoes off and leave them by the door.

2. If the shit gets deeper, you might want to put on your boots.

Shit is something that you can’t stop. You know it’s going to happen, but sometimes it happens in greater volumes. The only way to avoid soiling your feet as well as your ankles when the shit is raining down is to wear taller shoes. This may protect you for a while, and the shit may go away somehow. But there is also the possibility that you show up to work, or you walk in your house, and the situation you thought was resolved just got worse, and the shit just got a lot deeper.

3. One word – waders.

At times in our lives, the shit is so deep, so invasive, that we literally have to wade through it. This is the most unpleasant phase. While all situations do not devolve into this quagmire, when they do, you have to keep trudging. If you stop, you are doomed to drown in the rancid cesspool that surrounds you.

4. Get out the hose and wash that shit away.

If you have waited too long, and have entered the “wader” phase of your shit experience, then a hose may be an extended solution, but you’ll just have to stick with it. A good approach is to keep the hose on stand-by, and wash away the dirt snakes as they appear, but even if you let a few days’ worth build up, just turn the water on high and squirt away.

5. When all else fails, wait for a good rain.

If you have dogs, as I do, then you know that the number of turds in your yard is directly proportional to the number of days it has been since you had a good rain. If it rains regularly in your area, the dog bombs keep to a manageable number, but without this, you need to do something. When the shit is just falling and falling, squirting in every direction, it can become immobilizing. This is okay, as long as you realize that the rain will come eventually, and then you can venture out once again, either in flip-flops, or bare feet.

And finally, remember that even if you choose no action (either proactive or reactive), the shit can still go away. If you don’t use your hose, or get a good rain, the shit will eventually dry, crumble, and blow away in the breeze.  This process probably happens more quickly if you live in the desert, but the rest of us have dry spells from time to time. If there is no rain, there will be dry weather, and the piles will turn into dust in the wind.

Whatever course of action is necessary, I hope that this guide has given you a little anti-shit ammunition to deal with the smellier side of life.  One last tip, though: shit is also fertilizer, and eventually the grass will become greener. This is a hard lesson to remember when our feet are brown, and there aren’t a pair of boots or a cloud in sight. But as with everything else in life, if you wait long enough for the shit to subside, you might end up smelling like a rose. If you show up and someone mentions that they smell shit, you are free to inform them that you have had to go through a lot of shit to get there, and it was a hard road, but you made it anyway.

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